Dear Aunt Sassy

 


by Glen L. Bledsoe 

Dear Aunt Sassy, There is a man who I am madly in love with, but he pays no attention to me. He drools over a red-head at lunch who doesn't care about him in the least. How do I get him to notice me?

Frustrated


Dear Frustrated, If he ain't paying attention and you're sending signals, then leave a tack on his chair. Keep doing that and he'll try to figure out who is doing it. If you get caught just give him, you now, The Look. He'll get the idea. Moral: the way to a man's heart is through the seat of his pants.

AS

The Mystery of Dorothy Schmidt Solved?

 


by Glen L. Bledsoe 

You may remember during the mid-1980's the mysterious disappearance of soap opera star Dorothy Schmidt, thought at first to be a publicity stunt. When several weeks passed with no sign of the actress police began to take her case seriously. Further investigations revealed several reliable witnesses including her co-star Buddy Frank who said Dorothy had been abducted by Little Green Men who offered them potato pancakes in exchange for Ms. Schmidt who at the time was apparently paralyzed by a beam of purple light. The police dismissed the story as a hoax until just last month astronomers studying Betelgeuse received a radio signal which decoded into the image accompanying this report.

The image does bear something of a resemblance to the TV star. Speculation as to its meaning varies from she's being honored with an award in her likeness to she's been turned into an inanimate statue of uncertain materials. Whichever the case it appears that the Betelgeusians wanted us to know.


Hand Lotion

 


by Glen L. Bledsoe 

"I don't suppose nobody has got any hand lotion around here, Frank said with an impatient look on his face. "My hands are as raw as raw rawhide."

Becky Johnson who had been trying to cozy up to Frank for years said, "Why don't you help yourself to some of Buster Hand Creme right behind you?"

"I'm not smelling like no pansy florist shop," Frank retorted. "Just because the Sheriff smells like a lady's hanky doesn't mean I want to."

"Oh no, Frank," Becky said batting her eyes at him. "This lotion will make your hands smell like leather. You'd like that, wouldn't you?"

"Leather?" Frank said in surprise. "Why don't you squirt me a handful in my palm? I'd like to give it a try."

The Mick Award


 by Glen L. Bledsoe 

Each year an award ceremony is held in a private club where reporters are never invited and the invitees hail from an exclusive group of musicians who have been on a first name basis for decades. The purpose of the meeting is to determine who must "host" the dreaded life-sized Mick award and hang the Mick plaque on their wall for an entire year. The group is small enough (and getting smaller year by year) that the odds of having to house the monstrosity grows ever greater. The method for determining who is bound to provide shelter for the excrescence has never been revealed to the public. Insiders only suggest "you don't want to know." I guess the people don't get no satisfaction.

Arthur "A.I." Bleistift


 by Glen L. Bledsoe 

One young man has set the art world ablaze with this stunning technique or perhaps it would be better described as a discipline like yoga or Tai Chi Ch'uan. Young Arthur "A.I." Bleistift calls his technique "Analog Intelligence."

This technique relies on the ability of the artist to look very carefully at an object or a scene and hold what she has seen in her mind as accurately as she can for up to three or four seconds. Then the artist using any number of different tools makes a mark on a sheet of paper or a stretched sheet of specially treated cloth stretched across a wooden frame. Then (and this is important) the artist compares the made mark against what she can see and either modifies the mark to make it more representative of what is visible or moves forward to making another representative mark.

"The process continues," says Arthur, "until the image is complete." The Bleistift Method is taking the art world by storm. So much so that artificial intelligence artists fear their art form may fall by the wayside of history.

John the Baptist Dances for Peace

 


by Glen L. Bledsoe 

In the original version Salome danced for Herod on his birthday. Herod wanted to show how much he liked the dance (this was before favs) so he told her to pick out something on Amazon and he'd have it delivered. But (always a trouble-making word) Salome couldn't make up her mind between an e-scooter and a solar backup battery system so she asked her mother Herodias to help her pick. Herodias was having a bad day as we all sometimes do and said half-jokingly "How about John the Baptist's head on a platter?" never thinking for a moment anyone would take her seriously. Well, that didn't turn out well.

So in this version Herodias suggests that instead John the Baptist dances, which he was only too happy to oblige considering his option. He dances for peace as should we all. Inspired by Terry Riley's composition "Salome Dances for Peace." 

The Welcome Wagon Sisters

 


by Glen L. Bledsoe 

I have no idea how old this LP record album is, but I picked it up at a yard sale. Ten cents. And it wasn't cracked or scratched all that bad. I know it looks like a reject from a library book sale, but there are actually some pretty good songs and poems on here. I'm no expert, but I think there's a song on here played with a musical comb. That's what it sounds like to me anyhow. Okay, so the banjo playing isn't so good, but if it was tuned it would be acceptable. Anyway the "Welcoming Sisters" (from Columbus, Ohio) did a pretty good job back in the day. Real DIY for sure, and I think they deserve some respect. I wonder how old they are now. They're probably not even alive. That's sad.

Geppetto the Marionette

 


by Glen L. Bledsoe

There is a little known unfinished first draft manuscript of Pinocchio by Carlo Collodi in which Geppetto is turned into a wooden puppet by a wicked witch. Pinocchio, his flesh and blood son, spends endless adventures trying to find and free him. The novel was never completed (or translated into English). Eventually Carlo decided to reverse roles. Probably a good idea. Disney would have had a tough time marketing an old man marionette as a lovable cartoon character. Guillermo del Toro would have made a masterpiece of it, though.

Unwanted

 


by Glen L. Bledsoe 

The story you’ve read in the papers. The unloved child who disappeared and was discovered turned into a statue made of precious materials has inspired a number of fictional treatments in books and movies. Which is the real story gets muddled each time the tale is retold, but one need only look into the sad eyes of the statue once a living little girl to know that every child needs love to grow into an adult. 

Talk of the Town

 


by Glen L. Bledsoe 

"Have you noticed how Sheriff Pete smells?" Lucy said.

"I try not to," Bud replied trying to be nonchalant.

"He smells like he fell into a perfume bottle," she said.

"You don't mean he's. 99

"No, of course not. Haven't you noticed the way he's hanging around Miss Jane with that silly looking on his face."

"Oh, that."

Lucy punched Bud lightly on the shoulder. "Yes, that!" she said.

(To understand why they're talking about see Sheriff Pete and the Bar of Soap.

Sheriff Pete and the Bar of Soap


 by Glen L. Bledsoe 

Miss Jane down at Thompson's Hotel and Tavern said to Pete, "Sheriff, you know what this is?"

Sheriff Pete squinted at it for a moment and said, "It's a lady thing for sure. I can smell it."

"It's a manly thing, too," Miss Jane said.

"That wouldn't be a bar of soap would it?" he said. "If I tasted it I'd know for sure."

"It is indeed soap, Sheriff," Miss Jane said. "It comes from Boston and I bought a dozen bars."

"it don't look like Granny's soap," the Sheriff said.

"It's as different from Granny's soap as day is to night. I'm going loan you this bar. You go down to the crick, take your clothes off, wade into the water and you rub this all over your body. When you're all dried off, put your clothes back on and you come back here. I'll make it worth your while."

"Whatever you say, Miss Jane," the Sheriff said with a sliver of a grin.

Are Robotarians True Vegetarians?

 


by Glen L. Bledsoe 

It is the latest diet fad to hit the already quirky array of dietary restrictions and bizarre cuisines. Celebrities across several continents swear that it has helped them reduce ugly body fat, lowered their blood pressure and helped improve their health in countless ways. 

But where is the research? Doubtless one can dig up a Nobel Laureate to support just about any dietary claim, but doesn’t it seem more than a little crazy to eat parts of broken robots? Think of the wear on one’s molars.

Miss Octogenarian


 

by Glen L. Bledsoe 

We need to honor people for who they are, what they have accomplished and what they have learned rather than for a brief phase in their sexual development. This picture of Gina Schwartz depicts a woman who has earned recognition for her intellectual and educational accomplishments and respect for her positive influence on the leaders of several continents. The world is a better place for Ms. Schwartz. We are all lucky to have lived during her lifetime.

Midas Tech

 


by Glen L. Bledsoe 

Auric Goldfinger’s cousin Tony (see “Goldfinger” by Ian Fleming) discovered that by fiddling with Chinese “Havana” microwave technology he could transmute objects into gold. 

The trick was how to monetize Midas Tech without flooding the market with gold and lowering its value. Finally he hit upon a scheme. He transmuted a series of figures (from mannequins to toy action figures) and is now looking to crowdfund his new company Midas Tech Mannequin & Trophy Works. Care to invest?


Rosemary & Julian

 


by Glen L. Bledsoe 

This image depicts the moment from William Hackshear’s famous play “Rosemary & Julian” in which Rosemary realizes what a cheapskate Julian is when he pinches off a flower from a flowerpot on the porch of her parent’s house and gives it to her for her 18th birthday. (Hint to Julian: She’s expecting an engagement ring.) We all relish the moment when she decides to elope with Phil (not pictured). 

The Repainter Strikes Again!

 


by Glen L. Bledsoe 

Recently released on parole Emil Bruzek has apparently broken into the Art Museum and Gift Shoppe of Paris (Illinois) to repaint “Smiling Blond” by famed photorealist painter Clark Near. The portrait of personality Denise Deny famed for her portrayal of Benita Poole in the screen adaptation of “Benjie the Acrobat” video game and its successive sequels is now undergoing restoration under the skillful eye of Jonathan James, the well-known art restorer who plays a detective in the TV series “Casey Benjamin, Supernatural Investigator.” 

The Master Milliner

 


by Glen L. Bledsoe 

"The Master Milliner" by William Thomas Pusekat circa 1720 depicts Catherine Bread (sometimes spelled Braid) winning the hat design competition in London for the 10th year in a row. It is unknown who the figure second from the right is. A judge perhaps who did not agree with the decision or perhaps a competitor.

The Gang

By Martin Sercombe 

 

There were three sphynx cats who ruled the underworld with their lucrative catnip empire. They grew the most potent strain of catnip in the city, and their customers paid exorbitant prices for the privilege of indulging in their product.

As the years went by, the gangsters grew bolder and more innovative, experimenting with different cultivation techniques and perfecting their formula. The catnip became more and more potent, and soon enough, strange things started to happen.

Their customers began to behave in bizarre ways. Some would dance wildly through the night, their bodies contorting in impossible shapes. Others would meowl at the moon, while some would levitate off the ground, their eyes glazed over in a trance-like state.

To this day, the city remains a surreal and freakish place, where cats can act out their wildest dreams and confront their deepest fears.

You humans are very welcome to join them. The gangsters provide a free, cat-shaped onesie for each new customer.

Doctor Chen's Computer

By Martin Sercombe 


Dr. Sarah Chen had always been fascinated by the mysteries of the universe. She spent her entire career researching and developing technologies to unlock the secrets of the cosmos.

However, there was one question that had always eluded her: ‘What is the purpose of life?’
For years, she worked tirelessly, studying various theories and philosophies, but all she ever found were incomplete answers and endless debates.

Frustrated, she decided to take matters into her own hands and design a supercomputer that would finally solve the ultimate question.

It took her over a decade to develop the machine, but finally, it was complete. The computer, which she named "Genesis," was the most advanced system in the world. It could solve complex equations that would take humans decades to unravel.

With a deep breath, Dr. Chen typed in the ultimate question and hit the enter key. Genesis whirred to life, its screens flashing with images and text.

For hours, Dr. Chen watched in amazement as the machine processed information, comparing countless theories and analysing billions of lines of code.

Finally, Genesis beeped, and a message appeared on the screen.

“The purpose of life is to discover the purpose of life.”

With an exasperated scream, Dr Chen shuddered in dismay,  realising that her work had only just begun.

The Complaint Department


 by Glen L. Bledsoe 

So you got a complaint about something. Maybe you bought a used car and it’s a piece of junk. You try to take it back, but the salesman brushes you off. Or maybe your neighbor’s dog barks all night and the police don’t want to do nothing about it. Or maybe there are laws to protect innocent people that just aren’t getting enforced. If you complain on Facebook or some other pansy social media platform you’re bound to get trolled by some kid who doesn’t even shave yet. So instead you call Terrence and Jimbo. And guess what? They just talk to the guys and hardly ever have to hurt anybody to get their cooperation. And the best part is the Mr. Parnelli keeps them on contract, so it don’t cost you a dime. What's to complain about?


The Invasion of the Veggie People

By Martin Sercombe

 

Opening shot: A lab assistant is shown pouring a mysterious green liquid into a beaker. The camera zooms in on the beaker as the liquid starts to bubble and fizz.

Lab Assistant: (to himself) This should do it! I'm finally going to create the ultimate vegetable hybrid!

Suddenly, the beaker starts to shake violently, and the green liquid spills out onto the lab bench.

The camera cuts to a close-up of the spilled liquid, which is now glowing and emitting a strange aura.

Lab Assistant: Uh oh. That doesn't look good.

Suddenly, a loud explosion is heard, and the lab assistant is thrown across the room.
The camera cuts to a wide shot of the lab, which is now in ruins. Smoke and debris fill the air.

Lab Assistant: (coughing and struggling to get up) What have I done?

As the smoke clears, strange figures start to emerge from the rubble. They are humanoid in shape but have the appearance of various vegetables.

Lab Assistant: (staring in disbelief) What are you?

 

Carrot Person: We are the veggie people!

Broccoli Person: And we have come to take over your world!

Lab Assistant: (in shock) But how is this possible?

Tomato Person: Your foolish experiments have created a new race of beings. And now, we will rule the earth!

Corn Person: (holding up a cob) And there's nothing you can do to stop us!

The camera cuts to a montage of the veggie people wreaking havoc on the city. Soon they succeed in dominating all of humanity.

The camera zooms in on the lab assistant's face looking relieved.

Lab Assistant: Well, as long as they believe I’m their god, I’m safe.

The screen fades to black, and the words "The End" appear in bold letters.




Emil Bruzek, the Repainter of Prague


 by Glen L. Bledsoe 

Many of you are already familiar with the story of Emil Bruzek, the Repainter of Prague, an artist who was repeatedly rejected by galleries until in his frustration he broke into museums throughout Europe and during the night painted over canvases with images of his own. Initially the alterations were subtle and went unnoticed, but in his growing frustration for recognition his repainting grew more and more fantastic until they at last gained attention.

Pictured above is one of Emils’ repaintings. Left: “Woman with Cossack Hat” by Remi Vakowskivitch, Right: Emil Bruzek’s reworking.

Several groups are demanding Bruzek be released from prison stating that the jail space is needed for oil company executives.

Joannas

  

A colorful abstract painting of female twins in a car.

guest story by Tim, images by Simon Sonnenblume

You're doing it wrong


When Joanna Muir woke up in the middle of the night, it wasn't unexpected. There wasn't any particular change in atmosphere, or a sudden sound. She didn't need the bathroom, she wasn't cold. She just woke up.

What was different, though, was the sign that had appeared since she went to sleep. It was simple enough -  a poster on her wall that looked to have been attached with sticky tape. It said, "You're doing it wrong."

A simple statement, perhaps meaningful, perhaps not. Joanna didn't spend much time on the message. She was more concerned about how it had got there, how somebody had got into her bedroom. Frankly, she was instantly creeped out.

Decidedly frightened, she got out of bed very fast and went to the door, listened, and pushed it open. All was as usual and she took some unconscious comfort in that. 

Joanna explored the adjacent rooms, mentally before physically, and then went downstairs carefully. 

Again, nothing, and a further explore showed all entrances, windows and placements to be as they should be. All were entirely as she had left them the previous evening.

She made herself a tea, and sat for a while, thinking. She decided it wasn't an immediate police matter, but it would be in the morning. She tried to re-ravel her nerves, thought that bed was the place to be, and went back upstairs.

As she entered her room, the sign fluttered slightly, not that it needed her attention. Next to it, a new sign had appeared. "And you still are", it said.

That was that. She grabbed and threw on some clothes, left the house in panic, got into her car, and drove. 

It might be that the risk to her, driving at speed in an unfocused state, was greater than whatever was at home; it certainly didn't feel that way and there was no such analysis going on. There were moments she caught herself sobbing with fear.

The lights of a hotel - the nearest - appeared. People. Help. A phone to use. Warmth.

She pulled in to park the car. As she reached to open the door, she found it locked and unopenable. She screamed. Her scream threw her head back and her eyes passed the interior mirror. And in the mirror, she saw a shape, a thing...a person, sitting in the back seat. It smiled at her.

She saw a shape, a thing...a person

She didn't faint. Somehow this concretisation of her fear helped - the potentials collapsed into the understandable, however horrific that might be. It was now a particular situation with a particular circumstance and could, in some way be navigated.

The figure cleared its throat. "Oh, sorry", it said. "Didn't mean to startle you. Hi."

This entirely unexpected approach was more than confusing. The waves of confusion fell upon the shore of her remaining certainty, as she opened her mouth to speak. Before any words could blossom, she noticed, all at once and yet all in a sequence, that the figure was a woman. A small slab of the fear glacier fell away. Moreover, it was a familiar woman. Very familiar. In fact, it was herself.

Joanna turned around in her seat. "What the..I mean..no, I mean, what the?" 

Joanna Back Seat said "Oh sorry, I'd forgotten what it was like when I saw - you - that it is to say, when you...Look, do you want a coffee?"

There seemed little choice, and Joanna Front Seat closed her mouth, stunned. Then she shrugged. "Sure", she said.

Now the car door opened, and the two of them walked to the hotel. Wary at first, Joanna's fear and rage had by now turned to open astonishment and confusion, but these emotions allowed her to walk next to herself to the hotel lobby. She even had the presence of mind to say "What will they say, there being two of us?"

"Twins", said the other Joanna, shortly.

Nobody did ask, or comment. The two Joannas sat in the lobby. One wanted coffee, the other needed it.

One wanted coffee, and the other needed it

"So?", said Joanna.

"Well, I bet you think I'm from the future, or the past, right? Or it's a multi-Universe, I've hopped over here from another. Actually, I know that's what you think because you're me."

This was confusing too, but somehow made sense, because these theories were exactly what Joanna was thinking. It was strange knowing that what you think was known to someone else, but then of course this wasn't someone else. The strangeness began to abate and grow simultaneously.

Two coffees later, and everything and nothing became clear. One Joanna had been asleep, and the other Joanna had found herself in her bedroom, with the sign in her hand. She had stuck it to the wall, though she didn't know why. She had followed the first Joanna to the car, though how she had been undetected was a mystery too. To be honest, this whole thing was as puzzling to Joanna as it was to Joanna.

"So, let get this straight", said both of the Joannas, simultaneously. "I - you - were asleep, and I -you found yourself in my room and then..well, wait, what?"

They looked puzzled. One Joanna moved nearer the other, perhaps to hear better. One reached her hand for her coffee cup, and so did the other. They reached for the same cup.

As their fingers met, they somehow merged into one another. "Oh my God", they said, as they moved closer again, shuffling up the seat.

They became one single Joanna

They leaned back, leaned against each other, merged, became one single Joanna.

After a few minutes, Joanna got up, left the hotel and drove home. There was no note, no sign that anything had ever happened. She went to bed, somehow no longer frightened, but still infinitely puzzled.

The next morning, Joanna went through her usual routine. She made her breakfast, left the house, went to work. Although all seemed normal, she found it hard to concentrate on the job in hand, and after a while, left her desk for a break.

In the little kitchen, she turned on the kettle, got a mug from the cupboard, and turned to see a sign taped to the wall. 

"Nope,"it said. "Still wrong."




The Corridor


 by guest contributor Tim


Henry Firenze wasn't expecting death, but then, death wasn't expecting him either. All of these things run to a schedule, we are told. Henry went out one morning to buy a coffee, and Henry met his end crossing the road.

On Earth, there were the usual recriminatory investigations that accompany tragedies. The ripple impacts of his death, so enormous for his immediate family, grew smaller as his relationship circles with the rest of humanity grew wider, until they faded out entirely. By and large, the world neither knew nor cared about Henry or his death.

This realisation, that the world, in general, doesn't care, may have been one of the triggers for the idea of religion, back when man's brain was new and unexplored. Somebody, somewhere, must have been depressed about the idea of the uncaring Universe. Whether they then made up the comfort of a God or whether God existed and gave him that comfort is debatable. It always was debatable, here on Earth.

For Henry, the debate was settled. He found himself in an afterdeath state, and instantly realised there is indeed more to life than an Earthly existence.

He "awoke", though that isn't the term, to his new reality. A room, not like a prison cell, not unpleasant, but comfortably featureless, as if it didn't wish to impinge upon him, didn't want to give him any ideas.

Henry was confused and puzzled and worried and intrigued to find that all these very human emotions and reactions still existed here, wherever or whatever here was. In fact, he decided, he was still pretty much the same Henry as he had always been, and that gave him some sort of comfort.

He sat for a while on his featureless chair in his featureless room, half shocked, half remembering what had just happened on Earth, and he grieved. His grief was mellowed by the realisation that if he was here after death, then his family would be too in some way, some time, and he would see them again.

At that point, he realised that if this was so, then surely his predeceased parents would be here. Was there no way they could welcome him, be here to greet him? He frowned.

Henry got up, and walked to the closed door. Ideas of what might lie on the other side pierced him, each colourful image dancing its temptation. 

He imagined (and was pleased to discover he could still imagine) a garden, or a warm cosy room, where his parents would smile and nod and laugh and exist, and they would all be forever reunited. A moment later he imagined a fiery pit and sharp pointed forks and grotesqueries, and for a few seconds, he thought the bravery required to open the door would be beyond him.

Henry opened the door.

There were no signs, no scents, no sounds

Outside were none of his imaginings. Outside was a corridor, matching its features with his room, which is to say, there were none.

Henry coughed tentatively, trying to disturb whatever may be there by the least amount, either from fear of offence, or just from fear. Silence.

Henry walked from the room into the corridor, and immediately the door through which he had come vanished as it if never was. 

The corridor pulled him left or it pulled him right. It didn't care which way he went, it just offered him the chance to go. It was a corridor of potential energy waiting for him to make it kinetic.

As neither direction offered anything over the other, with increasing puzzlement, Henry walked. 

The corridor was long enough that its vanishing point was in fact its only feature. Nowhere was there a junction, or a mark on the grey walls. There were no signs, no scents, no sounds. Henry could see and hear and feel nothing but himself and the noise he made with the corridor. He walked on.

After what seemed a long while he began to think that his body would surely soon begin to make its childish demands. Feed me. I need a drink. I'm tired. 

His body felt none of these things. It was as if it had moved into eternal stasis. Henry decided he could feel worried about this stasis idea - he chose not to, unsure of where that mental path might lead him.

The path he was on, though, just went on. After what felt like an impossibly long passage of time, Henry stopped. He turned around. In both directions the corridor was identical, as if he was caught between two opposite mirrors.

Henry burst into song. A note, flat, made no difference, except to himself. It was a relief to hear himself, not just his footsteps. The sung note hung and broke the muddy silence. 

The corridor dampened the noise, the very opposite of a bathroom. It didn't, thought Henry, seem intentional. It was just a result of its structure.

At that thought, Henry's inner chimp woke his curiosity, and he moved to investigate the wall more closely. It was of one-pieced smoothness, a tube almost. It curved over his head like an underground tunnel, perfect in symmetry. Henry's half-hoping fingers pressed against it, seeking some comfort, some sense, perhaps, of the organic. He got back no such sense. 

The temperature was perfectly bland, the feel was perfectly bland, the light was perfectly bland. 

Henry sighed, ever more puzzled. At last, he made a decision. He turned around, and walked back the way he had come. There were only two choices, and one had no apparent advantage over the other. 

Still the corridor lead Henry onwards, straight as a vector. Did it, and thus Henry, have a destination? Or was this the afterlife, an endless walk with no idea what for or why? Was this hell?

It was, Henry estimated, a day or three after he had started walking that he was edging towards giving up. After all, his body needed nothing, and walking further seemed pointless. He could just sit, sit here, perhaps for eternity. It's fair to say that Henry was becoming depressed. 

He made himself walk on.

A few days later, Henry was staring ahead glumly, resigned. His eyes saw nothing but corridor, the penumbra of darkness that defined the limit of his vision ever moving from him, until he became aware that it wasn't. That patch of darkness ahead had moved nearer.

His breath-rhythm picked up. It was a change. Something had changed. That little patch of darkness was a destination. It was a place, and places are where humans want to be, even dead ones. Henry wanted to be where the darkness was, to fire up his somnolent new-thing neurons. He walked faster, ran, stumbled, craved and pushed himself.

The dark patch grew nearer, measurable, reachable.

Henry arrived. The darkness grew around him, until he could see nothing. His hands in front of him, he adored this new state of blindness, this new reliance on underused senses. He walked forward, tentatively, slowly, then with increasing confidence. He celebrated the difference.

At last he was running forward, utterly blind, into the darkness.

And then the sound of his footsteps, the low thudding heartbeat of his feet, changed too. A slight softening of the sound. A sonic evolution from clay to bell. The floor was changing.

Henry reached down and used his new sight, his fingertips, to feel the floor. It had definitely changed. It was more metallic. And soon, his groping hands gave him what he had craved. The floor was no longer smooth. It had a patterned roughness, and pattern meant intelligence and design, and pattern meant Henry had found something, something incredible.

His delight was intense, a state now so unknown to him it was as if he had never experienced it before. Its old novelty ran over him with wash of cold, and a clarity came to his thought. This was not enough. There must be more. 

Henry stood up and a new Henry walked on into the darkness.

This time, it wasn't long before his sensitive eyes picked up a few welcoming photons. Ahead lay light. After leaving the light and running into darkness with the excitement of a child, this new light, this potential, this possibility, almost made Henry explode with excitement. He ran again, and quickly this time, quickly.

The light welcomed him. He thought it was a religious experience, heading into the light and for a while he found it funny that God would be so unsubtle, so obvious, so well, God. He ran into the light.

The corridor lay in front of him, as it had before, just the same. Endless. Nothing was ahead except more corridor. The floor had returned to its uninteresting featureless state.

Henry's tragi-comedy filled him, filled him so much his emotions topsy-turvied until he was sobbing like a baby, crouched on the floor. There was no other sound, nothing apart from his sobbing.

It felt like some hours before he stopped, and looked and thought, and worried again. At last, Henry got up and headed on. What else was there to do?

A long while passed, and Henry once again saw darkness ahead. This time, he didn't care. He knew what he would find. He felt he had explored all this place, if it was a place, seen all that this place could offer. 

He walked on, once again with feet encouraging time to pass, as if without them time would not move. He entered the familiar wonderful horrid darkness.

It was a surprise then, when the darkness presented him with an obstacle. He had had his hands ahead of him, an instinctive danger warding, when they made contact. Henry's heart almost stopped, though he realised that his heart was never going to stop. His hands had met a wall. 

A moment's investigation. Henry had reached a corner. This place had corners and he was briefly filled again with the joy of it.

Then, not allowing himself the extreme of emotions he had recently gone through, he played it down. A corner. It would lead to another corridor. It would go on forever.

Henry walked forward, a new direction that felt exactly like the old one. It took no time at all for Henry to slip back into his walk, into forward movement that achieved nothing and whose only benefit was that was its opposite was nothing.

The darkness ahead once more gave itself up to light. The light that pulled and tempted and promised. A hollow promise, Henry felt, a nothing dressed as a something.

Henry walked from darkness into light. 

Ahead was a door. 

It wasn't possible for Henry to analyse this, in his state of mind. His body, newly unencumbered with physical human failing or wants moved forward to the door. He opened it, half-expecting by now that it would be the door to the room where he started.

The door opened onto a landing. From the landing lead two staircases, one that went up and one that went down. There no lights or sounds to guide him.

Henry went to the meeting point of the stairs, and he looked down and up. Below, he could just see that the staircase was short, turned, and lead to another landing. It looked pretty much like the one he was on now. He looked up, and in the same way, the turn of the short stair seemed to lead to another identical landing.

Each had a sign that said "Floor seven"

He was beyond thinking, but some half remembered religiosity in him made him choose the upwards stairs. As he did so, he noticed, by the doorway, a sign. It had words printed on it. It said "Floor Seven".

Henry was overcome, again and at last. A place that showed it HAD a place, it was a meant thing, it had some sort of purpose. A purpose that he could figure out, that he could work on. Something to DO.

Henry almost ran up the short staircase, arrived at the next landing. The landing offered another staircase up. It offered a door. Next to the door was a sign.

The sign said, simply, "Floor Seven". The door next to it lead to a corridor.

Jow went up another stair, another dozen, another hundred. He went down a thousand.

Each landing was identical, and each had a sign that said "Floor seven", and a door, and each door lead to corridor.

It was on perhaps the fiftieth year of wandering that Henry paused in his impossible endless march up the stairs, or perhaps it was down. He hardly knew. 

Then, far above, so very far above, he heard a voice. 

Henry sat down and began to cry. Then he sat and waited.

The voice was louder now. The owner of it was coming down the stairs.

Henry thought about getting up about running towards it. 

He thought about all the nuances of interacting with the voice's owner, with the questions and delays.

He thought about sharing their experiences, the puzzles. He thought about the answers.

The voice was nearer, just a few landings up. The words were unintelligible, but the changes in tone and pitch were clear. It was self answering voice, a mono-dialogue.

Henry stood. Without, in the end, much thought, he went to the door of the landing he was on, opened it, and went through, closing it silently behind him. 

Muted by the door, the voice grew as loud as it ever would, passed by the landing, and faded as its owner went on downwards, down the stairs.

Henry turned. The corridor lead into the far distance. 

He began to walk.

The Fifth Sound Change

 



By guest contributor Tim

The dog heard it first, as dogs always do.

The old man paused a moment, with the bird half carved, and watched the yellow pup shift uncomfortably.

The old woman said the dog needed walking, but the old man knew that wasn't so, for they had walked together already that day, down by the river.

As he recollected that thought the old man remembered something else. He remembered how the yellow pup had been edgy somehow. Not mischievous as he often was, not hurried. Just uncomfortable, and in the way that Masters have, the old man had felt it too.

But the warmth of the house, and the smell of fresh coffee, and the soft welcome home creak of the wood under his feet as he had stepped onto the porch had reassured him, and he forgot.

The clock warmed the air with its brassy chime. Ten o'clock, and thoughts of white sheets and soft blankets were imminent.

The old man looked down at the worn spot where the dog should be, but the pup was gone. He was under the kitchen table; his refuge when a great storm was due.

The old man went to the back door and looked out. The sky was sugared with stars, and in the west the last embers of daylight were fading.

For some reason, tonight he became aware of The Sound.

In normal circumstances, such as they were, he would have tried not to notice it, but it was almost as if there was a slightly bitter quality to it tonight. As this idea began to fight to the surface, he began to sweat.

It was too soon. Surely it was too soon.

Hurriedly now, he went back into the house. The old woman glanced up, saw something was wrong, and with the intuition they all had, these days, thought as he did.

Together, silently, they moved to the calendar and flipped it back.

"Ten months", said the old man. "Ten months", he said again, as if the repetition could stave off the unavoidable.

They looked at one another, and tears began to form.

Down in the village, others had picked up the change in The Sound too, and already panic was beginning. This would be the fifth Sound Change, and there was no preparation that could alter it.

A few started to discuss ideas, again, scream them, really, as they had four times before; the busy-busy-make-work brought comfort to very few.

Almost five years previously, a shape - no more than that - a shape had appeared in the sky.

After the initial panics and enquiries were over, of course, the military found it entirely impervious to their weapons; indeed, impervious was too strong a word. The shape ignored them and nothing reached the target.

Attempts were made to communicate, but it was as if the shape wasn't there. It was unapproachable, just floating, just being. Nothing could get to it, and nothing came out of it.

Weeks went by, and then months. After a time, the world began to think of other things, and the shape became part of the background, an inexplicable new reality.

And then, with no warning, as night fell under the shape, came The Sound.

It was not a human sound, but humans reacted to it.

It grew louder and sharper, a lemon juice minor key that began to hurt, began to penetrate. People began to cry out with the pain of it, and it grew more intense.

The Sound enveloped the world, a blanket of agony.

People fell to the floor, tried all they could to block it out, to no purpose.

People died.

But not all people. About half of the world's population were affected.

At evening they had been living their lives, complicated or simple. By the morning, half of the world's population was dead.

The Sound didn't stop, but only half of the world was left to carry on. Everyone everywhere could hear it, but it didn't affect them as it had the others.

Body counts were made, and enormous resources spent on disposal of the corpses.

Religion, in all its physical and spiritual forms was invoked and placated and explored and begged.

The shape didn't move. The people of the world, traumatised, tried to carry on. Cities became towns, and towns became villages.

Fewer people, fewer resources - the world stepped back. Once again, the world carried on, what was left. After a year, healing had started.

The Sound never stopped.

One night, a year later, there was a shift in The Sound, a slight change in volume, and turn from sour to sweet, to cloying. On edge, the world once again became aware.

As night fell under the shape, The Sound changed, immediately.

It was the same pattern as before - half of the world was affected, writhed, died. Horrified, the other half watched.

There was no pattern they could discern, and families were split for eternity.

The remains of the world renewed efforts to communicate, now with much reduced efforts. Again, it was fruitless.

Helpless, once again the world settled down to inevitability.

Twice more, exactly a year apart, The Sound changed.
 
It was worse now. It was predictable.

Half of the world knew their dying day was coming. Hope faded that there would be a solution. Across the world, in parts, civilisation broke down entirely. In other parts, perhaps due to geography, or luck, or attitude, people banded together for support, formed little settlements and villages, lived as best they could.

Each time The Sound changed, there was killing pain for a few hours, for half of them, and then they were gone.

Today then, was the fifth change in The Sound.

The old couple knew it was coming, and they knew there was nothing to be done. They held hands in their front room, half breathing, aware that either or both of them might only have moments.

The Sound began to shift, It began to morph from its old form.

And then - it stopped.

The Sound was gone, after five years of lethal dissonance.

The Sound ended, and the shape, whatever it was, whatever its purpose might have been, simply went away.

Silence fell all over the world.

And the remaining population, those few that had survived, couldn't stand The Silence.

The Silence came, and the last humans, every one of them, died.

American Garlic


 by Glen L. Bledsoe 

"American Garlic" by Woodrow Grant (1938) is one of the most famous paintings of all time and certainly the most famous of the 20th century. It is instantly recognizable and has been the subject of countless parodies and pastiches of which viewers have doubtless grown tired of. It depicts a garlic farmer with his three daughters standing in front of their home. The models for the painting were Gasper French, a local used car salesman, and Grant's three nieces who, according to them "Uncle Woody promised to take us to Marshall Fields in Chicago for a shopping trip." Whether that trip happened is the subject of some dispute. Marianne, one of his nieces remembers the trip, but the other two deny that it ever took place. The painting purchased in 1939 by the Chicago Painting and Sculpture Museum for a mere $150 even taking inflation into account is worth several times that today. Wise investing!

Taking Their Place at the Pew

 


by Glen L. Bledsoe 

Sundays from 9:45 to 10:10 am you can attend church services at Clyde’s. Afterwards, if you have a mind to, you can discuss scripture over a friendly game of cards, and you can get right with Jesus while quenching your thirst with.a cool one. As the good book says, “Water is for bathing and milk is for babies.” There might even be time for the singing of a hymn.

If it takes a little innocent adult entertainment and companionship to bring some religion into folks’ lives then Clyde’s Saloon offers a spiritual service without equal. 

Spirits of the Forest

By Martin Sercombe



Deep in the heart of the forest, where the trees reach up to touch the sky and the earth is rich with the scent of moss and leaves, there lived two spirits. They were ancient beings, born of the land and the trees, and they had watched over the forest for as long as anyone could remember.

These two spirits shared many secrets with each other. They would meet at the base of a great oak tree and whisper softly to one another, their voices barely audible above the rustling of the leaves.

One day, as they sat beneath the oak tree, the first of the two spirits leaned in close to her friend and began to speak in a hushed tone. She told her of a hidden grove, where the light filtered through the leaves in a way that made everything seem enchanted. She spoke of the delicate wildflowers that grew there, of the soft hum of bees and the gentle fluttering of butterfly wings.

Her friend listened intently, her eyes shining with wonder as she listened to the tale. When it was finished, she whispered a secret of her own. She told her of a place where the forest gave way to a wide, sun-drenched meadow. She spoke of the way the grass rippled in the breeze, and of the colourful wildflowers that danced in the light. She told of a family of deer that lived there, and of the way they moved gracefully through the meadow.

And as they spoke, their voices grew softer and softer until they were little more than whispers, the forest around them seemed to come alive. A fox called to its mate, the birds sang their songs, and the air was filled with a soft, golden light.

LBJ

 


by Glen L. Bledsoe 

Not many people know that Vietnam war era American President Lyndon Baines Johnson was a comedian before he got into politics. As a young man he developed quite a reputation as a funny man at the Buster Brown Comedy Spot in Richie, Texas (a quality he had to decidedly counter as a politician). In fact, Rodney Dangerfield stole the line "I don't get no respect" from LBJ.

Learning to Read

 By Martin Sercombe


Gibberish. That was all the letters on the page seemed to be to Tom. They were just meaningless shapes that somehow were supposed to come together to make words.

He sat there, staring at the page, feeling more and more frustrated with each passing second. The words seemed to be mocking him, taunting him with their indecipherable shapes.

But Tom was determined. He refused to give up. He knew about the magical world of books and he wanted to be a part of it.
 
So he kept at it, day after day, slowly but surely making progress. At first, the words were just a meaningless jumble of letters. But gradually, they started to make sense. He sounded them out, slowly at first, but then with growing confidence.

As he read more and more, the words began to come alive. They danced across the page, taking him on wild adventures and introducing him to new friends. He read about pirates, wizards and dragons and he loved every minute of it.

Soon he was writing his own stories, and creating whole new worlds of his own.

Jacob and his Muse

By Martin Sercombe

 

Jacob loved to explore the streets of Paris on his trusty bicycle. He enjoyed the freedom of the streets and the opportunity to contemplate the deep questions of life as he pedalled through the bustling city.

One day, he came across a scruffy black and white cat, sitting on a doorstep and gazing up at him with curious green eyes. Jacob was instantly drawn to the cat's intelligence and he knew he had found a kindred spirit. He introduced himself and to his surprise, the cat responded with a deep, rumbling purr. Jacob took this as a sign that the cat was open to conversation, and they soon struck up a deep friendship.

Jacob named the cat Muse, and they became inseparable companions, cycling together through the back streets of Paris, stopping at bars for a glass of Pernod. Muse was always ready to share his thoughts with the patrons around him.



On one occasion, as they were sitting by a window, looking across the Seine, Muse said. “The world of reality has its limits but the world of the imagination is boundless.”  The patrons all nodded thoughtfully.

A few moments later, Muse stretched out across the table and said “Happiness radiates like the fragrance of a flower. It draws all good things towards you.” The bartender smiled broadly, and fetched a saucer of fresh cream for the cat.

Another time, they were cycling through the winding streets of Montmartre and Jacob was feeling a little lost and uncertain about his future. Muse looked up at him with his wise green eyes and said, "The journey is the destination, my friend. Don't worry too much about where you're going, just enjoy the ride."
 
Jacob looked at his cat and said, "You never cease to amaze me, Muse."

Muse simply purred in response. 


The Great Haggis Hunt

By Martin Sercombe


In the Scottish Highlands, a unique and age-old tradition is upheld every New Year's Eve. As the clock strikes midnight, the young men of the highland villages don their tartan kilts and set out on a journey across the moors.

It is believed that the haggis is only active during the winter months and that it can be found nesting in patches of sheltered heather in the most remote parts of the moors.

 

The young men who embark on this quest must be prepared for a long and arduous journey. They carry with them only the essentials: a lantern, a flask of whiskey to keep them warm and a horn to imitate the mating calls of the male haggis.

The men call out into the darkness, their voices echoing through the hills and valleys. They imitate the distinctive sound of the male haggis, a high-pitched, trilling call that can be heard for miles around. They walk for hours, their eyes scanning the ground for any sign of the haggis.

At last, after much searching, the young men catch sight of their quarry. They move quickly, using their horns to lure and hypnotise the young female haggis.

With great skill and dexterity, they capture it and carry it back to their village, where it is prepared and served as the centerpiece of a grand New Year's Day feast.

The meat is roasted to perfection, served with neeps and tatties, and accompanied by copious amounts of whiskey.