The Foundlings

by Glen L. Bledsoe 

In 1648 two young girls were found wandering the properties of Sir Gordon Yarborough. Their clothes were in rags. They were cold, hungry and frightened. Sir Gordon and his wife were childless and took them into their home and raised them as their own. At first the girls could not speak, but learned English quickly. Once they gained full vocabulary they told stories of where they were from. A world filled with machines: flying machines, talking machines. Machines that showed moving pictures on slabs of glass. Machines that made music. No one believed their stories at the time, but the girls were presented to the upper class by their "father" as a kind of entertainment. Today we know just how silly those stories really were.
 

The Decoy

 

by Glen L. Bledsoe 

Real aliens do not appears as lights in the sky. What would be the point? Instead they leave life-like leggy female decoys in public parks to attract male members of our species. Once captured the aliens (intent on improving their gastroenterological skills) probe males using the port of entry where the sun don't shine.

The Mystery of Dorothy Schmidt Solved?

 

by Glen L. Bledsoe 

You may remember during the mid-1980's the mysterious disappearance of soap opera star Dorothy Schmidt, thought at first to be a publicity stunt. When several weeks passed with no sign of the actress police began to take her case seriously. Further investigations revealed several reliable witnesses including her co-star Buddy Frank who said Dorothy had been abducted by Little Green Men who offered them potato pancakes in exchange for Ms. Schmidt who at the time was apparently paralyzed by a beam of purple light. The police dismissed the story as a hoax until just last month astronomers studying Betelgeuse received a radio signal which decoded into the image accompanying this report.

The image does bear something of a resemblance to the TV star. Speculation as to its meaning varies from she's being honored with an award in her likeness to she's been turned into an inanimate statue of uncertain materials. Whichever the case it appears that the Betelgeusians wanted us to know.

Hand Lotion

 

by Glen L. Bledsoe 

"I don't suppose nobody has got any hand lotion around here, Frank said with an impatient look on his face. "My hands are as raw as raw rawhide."

Becky Johnson who had been trying to cozy up to Frank for years said, "Why don't you help yourself to some of Buster Hand Creme right behind you?"

"I'm not smelling like no pansy florist shop," Frank retorted. "Just because the Sheriff smells like a lady's hanky doesn't mean I want to."

"Oh no, Frank," Becky said batting her eyes at him. "This lotion will make your hands smell like leather. You'd like that, wouldn't you?"

"Leather?" Frank said in surprise. "Why don't you squirt me a handful in my palm? I'd like to give it a try."

The Mick Award

 by Glen L. Bledsoe 

Each year an award ceremony is held in a private club where reporters are never invited and the invitees hail from an exclusive group of musicians who have been on a first name basis for decades. The purpose of the meeting is to determine who must "host" the dreaded life-sized Mick award and hang the Mick plaque on their wall for an entire year. The group is small enough (and getting smaller year by year) that the odds of having to house the monstrosity grows ever greater. The method for determining who is bound to provide shelter for the excrescence has never been revealed to the public. Insiders only suggest "you don't want to know." I guess the people don't get no satisfaction.

Arthur "A.I." Bleistift

 by Glen L. Bledsoe 

One young man has set the art world ablaze with this stunning technique or perhaps it would be better described as a discipline like yoga or Tai Chi Ch'uan. Young Arthur "A.I." Bleistift calls his technique "Analog Intelligence."

This technique relies on the ability of the artist to look very carefully at an object or a scene and hold what she has seen in her mind as accurately as she can for up to three or four seconds. Then the artist using any number of different tools makes a mark on a sheet of paper or a stretched sheet of specially treated cloth stretched across a wooden frame. Then (and this is important) the artist compares the made mark against what she can see and either modifies the mark to make it more representative of what is visible or moves forward to making another representative mark.

"The process continues," says Arthur, "until the image is complete." The Bleistift Method is taking the art world by storm. So much so that artificial intelligence artists fear their art form may fall by the wayside of history.

John the Baptist Dances for Peace

 

by Glen L. Bledsoe 

In the original version Salome danced for Herod on his birthday. Herod wanted to show how much he liked the dance (this was before favs) so he told her to pick out something on Amazon and he'd have it delivered. But (always a trouble-making word) Salome couldn't make up her mind between an e-scooter and a solar backup battery system so she asked her mother Herodias to help her pick. Herodias was having a bad day as we all sometimes do and said half-jokingly "How about John the Baptist's head on a platter?" never thinking for a moment anyone would take her seriously. Well, that didn't turn out well.

So in this version Herodias suggests that instead John the Baptist dances, which he was only too happy to oblige considering his option. He dances for peace as should we all. Inspired by Terry Riley's composition "Salome Dances for Peace." 

The Welcome Wagon Sisters

 

by Glen L. Bledsoe 

I have no idea how old this LP record album is, but I picked it up at a yard sale. Ten cents. And it wasn't cracked or scratched all that bad. I know it looks like a reject from a library book sale, but there are actually some pretty good songs and poems on here. I'm no expert, but I think there's a song on here played with a musical comb. That's what it sounds like to me anyhow. Okay, so the banjo playing isn't so good, but if it was tuned it would be acceptable. Anyway the "Welcoming Sisters" (from Columbus, Ohio) did a pretty good job back in the day. Real DIY for sure, and I think they deserve some respect. I wonder how old they are now. They're probably not even alive. That's sad.

Geppetto the Marionette

 

by Glen L. Bledsoe

There is a little known unfinished first draft manuscript of Pinocchio by Carlo Collodi in which Geppetto is turned into a wooden puppet by a wicked witch. Pinocchio, his flesh and blood son, spends endless adventures trying to find and free him. The novel was never completed (or translated into English). Eventually Carlo decided to reverse roles. Probably a good idea. Disney would have had a tough time marketing an old man marionette as a lovable cartoon character. Guillermo del Toro would have made a masterpiece of it, though.

Unwanted

 

by Glen L. Bledsoe 

The story you’ve read in the papers. The unloved child who disappeared and was discovered turned into a statue made of precious materials has inspired a number of fictional treatments in books and movies. Which is the real story gets muddled each time the tale is retold, but one need only look into the sad eyes of the statue once a living little girl to know that every child needs love to grow into an adult. 

Talk of the Town

 

by Glen L. Bledsoe 

"Have you noticed how Sheriff Pete smells?" Lucy said.

"I try not to," Bud replied trying to be nonchalant.

"He smells like he fell into a perfume bottle," she said.

"You don't mean he's. 99

"No, of course not. Haven't you noticed the way he's hanging around Miss Jane with that silly looking on his face."

"Oh, that."

Lucy punched Bud lightly on the shoulder. "Yes, that!" she said.

(To understand why they're talking about see Sheriff Pete and the Bar of Soap.

Sheriff Pete and the Bar of Soap

 by Glen L. Bledsoe 

Miss Jane down at Thompson's Hotel and Tavern said to Pete, "Sheriff, you know what this is?"

Sheriff Pete squinted at it for a moment and said, "It's a lady thing for sure. I can smell it."

"It's a manly thing, too," Miss Jane said.

"That wouldn't be a bar of soap would it?" he said. "If I tasted it I'd know for sure."

"It is indeed soap, Sheriff," Miss Jane said. "It comes from Boston and I bought a dozen bars."

"it don't look like Granny's soap," the Sheriff said.

"It's as different from Granny's soap as day is to night. I'm going loan you this bar. You go down to the crick, take your clothes off, wade into the water and you rub this all over your body. When you're all dried off, put your clothes back on and you come back here. I'll make it worth your while."

"Whatever you say, Miss Jane," the Sheriff said with a sliver of a grin.

Are Robotarians True Vegetarians?

 

by Glen L. Bledsoe 

It is the latest diet fad to hit the already quirky array of dietary restrictions and bizarre cuisines. Celebrities across several continents swear that it has helped them reduce ugly body fat, lowered their blood pressure and helped improve their health in countless ways. 

But where is the research? Doubtless one can dig up a Nobel Laureate to support just about any dietary claim, but doesn’t it seem more than a little crazy to eat parts of broken robots? Think of the wear on one’s molars.

Miss Octogenarian

 

by Glen L. Bledsoe 

We need to honor people for who they are, what they have accomplished and what they have learned rather than for a brief phase in their sexual development. This picture of Gina Schwartz depicts a woman who has earned recognition for her intellectual and educational accomplishments and respect for her positive influence on the leaders of several continents. The world is a better place for Ms. Schwartz. We are all lucky to have lived during her lifetime.

Midas Tech

 

by Glen L. Bledsoe 

Auric Goldfinger’s cousin Tony (see “Goldfinger” by Ian Fleming) discovered that by fiddling with Chinese “Havana” microwave technology he could transmute objects into gold. 

The trick was how to monetize Midas Tech without flooding the market with gold and lowering its value. Finally he hit upon a scheme. He transmuted a series of figures (from mannequins to toy action figures) and is now looking to crowdfund his new company Midas Tech Mannequin & Trophy Works. Care to invest?

Rosemary & Julian

 

by Glen L. Bledsoe 

This image depicts the moment from William Hackshear’s famous play “Rosemary & Julian” in which Rosemary realizes what a cheapskate Julian is when he pinches off a flower from a flowerpot on the porch of her parent’s house and gives it to her for her 18th birthday. (Hint to Julian: She’s expecting an engagement ring.) We all relish the moment when she decides to elope with Phil (not pictured). 

The Repainter Strikes Again!

 

by Glen L. Bledsoe 

Recently released on parole Emil Bruzek has apparently broken into the Art Museum and Gift Shoppe of Paris (Illinois) to repaint “Smiling Blond” by famed photorealist painter Clark Near. The portrait of personality Denise Deny famed for her portrayal of Benita Poole in the screen adaptation of “Benjie the Acrobat” video game and its successive sequels is now undergoing restoration under the skillful eye of Jonathan James, the well-known art restorer who plays a detective in the TV series “Casey Benjamin, Supernatural Investigator.” 

The Master Milliner

 

by Glen L. Bledsoe 

"The Master Milliner" by William Thomas Pusekat circa 1720 depicts Catherine Bread (sometimes spelled Braid) winning the hat design competition in London for the 10th year in a row. It is unknown who the figure second from the right is. A judge perhaps who did not agree with the decision or perhaps a competitor.

The Complaint Department

 by Glen L. Bledsoe 

So you got a complaint about something. Maybe you bought a used car and it’s a piece of junk. You try to take it back, but the salesman brushes you off. Or maybe your neighbor’s dog barks all night and the police don’t want to do nothing about it. Or maybe there are laws to protect innocent people that just aren’t getting enforced. If you complain on Facebook or some other pansy social media platform you’re bound to get trolled by some kid who doesn’t even shave yet. So instead you call Terrence and Jimbo. And guess what? They just talk to the guys and hardly ever have to hurt anybody to get their cooperation. And the best part is the Mr. Parnelli keeps them on contract, so it don’t cost you a dime. What's to complain about?

Emil Bruzek, the Repainter of Prague

 by Glen L. Bledsoe 

Many of you are already familiar with the story of Emil Bruzek, the Repainter of Prague, an artist who was repeatedly rejected by galleries until in his frustration he broke into museums throughout Europe and during the night painted over canvases with images of his own. Initially the alterations were subtle and went unnoticed, but in his growing frustration for recognition his repainting grew more and more fantastic until they at last gained attention.

Pictured above is one of Emils’ repaintings. Left: “Woman with Cossack Hat” by Remi Vakowskivitch, Right: Emil Bruzek’s reworking.

Several groups are demanding Bruzek be released from prison stating that the jail space is needed for oil company executives.