Flump Grubbling

By Martin Sercombe

The game of Flump Grubbling is still practiced in a few small villages in the north of England. It involves balancing turkey eggs on a grubbling plank placed on each competitor's head.

The rules are simple: the participant who can balance the most eggs on their plank without dropping any is declared the winner. But there is a catch - as soon as a participant drops an egg, they are "flumped" and the villagers throw the fallen egg at them.

The game is a sight to behold. The villagers gather in a flumping room, dressed in their finest clothes, and cheer on the competitors. Each participant has a different technique for balancing the eggs, some move their bodies carefully to maintain their balance, while others stand very still, trying to avoid any sudden movements.

As the game progresses, the eggs begin to wobble and sway and the tension among the players is palpable. The audience holds its breath, waiting for the inevitable moment when an egg falls.

The player who is flumped the most times is dubbed the Gobbler. The Gobbler must entertain the audience with turkey impersonations, flapping his arms and gobbling like a turkey.

The player who succeeds in balancing the most eggs becomes King Grubbler for the remaining year, and is awarded a gigantic omelette made with his winning eggs.

The Cornish Cloud Catching Contest

By Martin Sercombe

In the small village of St. Just, nestled among the rolling hills of Cornwall, there is an age-old tradition that has been passed down from generation to generation. Every year, at the village fete held in late summer, the old men of the village gather to compete in the Cornish Cloud Catching Contest.

The rules of the contest are simple: each participant must bring their own wheelbarrow and attempt to catch the biggest cloud they can find. The clouds must be caught using only the wheelbarrow, and the winner is the old man who catches the largest cloud, as judged by a panel of local farmers and meteorologists.

The contest takes place in a large field outside the village, where the sky is open and the clouds are big and fluffy. The old men arrive early in the morning, armed with their trusty wheelbarrows and a keen eye for the sky. They scan the horizon for signs of approaching clouds, watching for the telltale signs of size and density that might indicate a winner.

As the day wears on, the old men trundle their wheelbarrows across the field, chasing after the clouds that drift lazily overhead. Some clouds prove elusive, slipping from the wheelbarrow as it passes underneath. Others are more cooperative, settling gently into the waiting barrow with a satisfying whoosh.

The crowd gathers around the contestants, cheering and shouting encouragement as they jostle for position. The atmosphere is lively and festive, with music and dancing, food and drink, and the smell of freshly baked pasties wafting through the air.

At the end of the day, the judges gather together to weigh and measure the clouds. A winner is declared, and the village erupts in a chorus of cheers and applause. The winner is hoisted onto the shoulders of his fellow competitors and carried through the village in triumph.

The Potion

by Martin Sercombe

Xezu was known for his eccentric experiments and strange creations, but his latest endeavor was by far his most unusual. He had concocted a potion that promised to make its user so stunningly beautiful or handsome that no one would be able to gaze upon them for more than a second.

One day, as Xezu was working with the potion, he accidentally spilled some of it into a nearby river. The river flowed into a small village, and soon, all of the villagers who drank from it were transformed by the potion's power. At first, they were pleased with their newfound beauty and charm, but it quickly became a burden as they found that they could not go anywhere without causing a commotion. People would either freeze in panic and wonder or hide their heads, unable to even speak with the villagers.

As the days passed, the situation only grew worse. The villagers became isolated, unable to form meaningful connections with anyone. They could not go to work or attend to their daily tasks without causing chaos, and nothing worked as it did before.

Xezu, upon realizing the extent of the damage he had caused, felt immense guilt and set out to find a cure. He worked tirelessly, experimenting with different ingredients and methods until he finally succeeded in creating an antidote. He hurried to the village and administered the cure to all the affected villagers. Each person instantly became so ugly that no-one could bear to gaze upon them for more than one second.